


Witch Problems

by RenaFujoshi



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (2014), What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: F/M, It doesnt go well, Jealousy, M/M, One Shot, Possessive Behavior, Vampires being vampires, Women Being Awesome, at least for guiermo, dorky, fluff?, like looking to the camera and stuff, people being done with bullshit, they try going to the cinema
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 13:31:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20064829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RenaFujoshi/pseuds/RenaFujoshi
Summary: The group tries going to the cinema. They run into some old friends. Or not.





	Witch Problems

**Author's Note:**

> I had a prompt, "Does a matriarchal society exist in your world?" It started with that and then it spiraled into another things.

This was an unusual night. Why? Well, not every day it was that the <strike>three</strike> four vampire roommates went together to a night out in town: especially not Nadja, Laszlo, Nandor and Colin… plus Guillermo.

The vampires wanted to go to the cinema; I mean they haven’t seen a film in almost seventy years. Nandor and Laszlo were the ones with the idea, Nadja just had to comply with the begging of her husband, Colin just tagged along to annoy the bunch and Guillermo had to go as Nandor’s familiar to make sure that no one made some mistakes, like drinking the cinema’s employees or killing someone that enraged them.

The group arrived at the cinema shorty after sundown, then they proceeded to buy the tickets, this was no easy task, as Nadja wanted to watch a suspense film, while Laszlo a romance one and Nandor an action one. The argument was maybe not so efficiently solved by Guillermo.

‘What if you do rock, paper, scissors?’ suggested Guillermo

‘Rock, paper, scissors?’ asked Nadja ‘What are we supposed to do with that? Grab rocks, paper and scissors and fight each other until one is left standing?’

‘That’s barbaric Guiermo’ scolded a horrified Nandor.

‘I say that we kill the familiar for saying such a stupid thing’ said Laszlo.

‘Agreed’ said Nadja ‘Laszlo, my dear, hold him still’

‘What?! No, that’s not what I meant’ Guillermo tried to explain ‘Master, please make them stop’ He then looked at the filming crew with a terrified look and proceeded to send a pitiful glare at his Master.

‘Nadja, Laszlo’ Nandor called ‘Guillermo is my familiar!’ exclaimed a possessive Master ‘I will be the one to punish him!’

Guillermo paled at that sentence. And even if the possessiveness was a somewhat exciting thing to hear from the person you loved, there still was the punishment implied.

The vampire couple stood impatiently waiting for the so called “punishment” Nandor would be imposing to his familiar.

‘Well? What are you going to do?’ asked an irritated Laszlo

Nandor glared at Guillermo with a menacing look ‘I have the perfect punishment!’ he suddenly exclaimed ‘Unfortunately, it will take place in private’

Guillermo took on an absolutely delicious shade of red.

‘What I meant is that we could resolve this with a game. Rock, paper, scissors is a game where you make the shape of the object with your hands, in an attempt to beat the other player’s object. Rock beats scissors, scissors beat paper and paper beats rock. It has nothing to do with killing, it’s just an innocent game used to decide things in situations where there are more than one option’ explained Guillermo.

The vampires all nodded in understanding.

‘Oh you silly thing, you should have said something sooner, we almost killed you’ said a relieved Nadja ‘I would have hated to kill the last familiar in the house. Getting a new one would prove really troublesome’

‘Yeah don’t make us kill you Guillermo’ said Laszlo

With the crisis adverted, the vampires started to play the game, and surprisingly, the winner was Laszlo who started to get a smug look.

‘Of course I would win, I always win!’ he exclaimed.

That statement made Nadja look at the camera with an exasperated look, before announcing that she was going to the bathroom, turning into a bat and flying out of the cinema. That was when Colin decided to join the group.

‘So what are we going to watch guys? Do you know that Enya was James Cameron’s first choice to compose the music for Titanic?’ Colin said, trying to feed on Guillermo’s energy.

‘Colin, please stop trying to feed on my energy’ asked Guillermo. ‘We are going to watch “Fifty Shades Darker”’ he grimaced.

Colin visibly shuddered but otherwise kept silent. Then they went to buy the tickets –or more like hypnotize the cashier into giving them free tickets, and the group went to the snack bar to get some snacks –for Guillermo, mind you, because everyone knows that vampires don’t eat.

While the familiar was in the snack bar queue, Nandor sneakily approached him, he bent down to speak on his ear.

‘Don’t think that the punishment is cancelled Guiermo’ he whispered, he then made eye contact and winked at his familiar.

Guillermo again turned a tasty shade of reddish pink and slowly nodded to his Master. Not trusting his voice to communicate his thoughts without being embarrassed. 

Suddenly, they heard a large group of women laughing and talking loudly to each other. They were all wearing black, and were very stylish, like you shouldn’t fuck with them, or you’d be in trouble. Laszlo look at them and paled.

‘Oh fuck’ he said ‘Those, my friends, are witches’ he told the camera

‘Witches?!’ exclaimed Nandor ‘THEY’RE HERE TO STEAL MY SEED! STOP THEM!’

Guillermo stood in front of his master protectively, and Colin just stood there amused. The shouting attracted the witches’ attention, and they approached the group of vampires. The leader of the group, a short-ish woman with dark brown curls and a curvy silhouette, dressed in ripped black pants, black boots a mesh black crop top and a leather jacket approached and started to talk to them.

‘Nandor? Is that you?’ she asked ‘I haven’t seen you in a hundred years’

‘Hello, Renata’ he answered from behind his familiar

‘Wait a minute’ Laszlo jumped in ’We are not going to allow you to steal my fellow vampire’s seed!’

‘Steal his seed?’ Renata asked ‘What are you talking about?’

‘We are talking about the time you stole Nandor’s semen for your dark spells you witch’ replied Laszlo

‘Nandor, is that what you are telling them?’ the witch asked, starting to get annoyed

‘No, I mean….. Yes? Maybe’ said Nandor shyly.

Now hell broke loose.

‘ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?’ she screamed ‘After all these years, I thought you were over the fact that I was the one who broke up with YOU. But I guess a hundred years wasn’t enough for you to mature’

Guillermo looked at the camera with an annoyed look.

‘WELL, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU WERE GOING TO USE MY SEMEN TO CONJURE DARK SPELLS. YOU ARE A WITCH RENATA. YOU HURT ME.’ Nandor screamed back

The witch turned red with rage ‘Excuse me!? YOU were the one who cheated on me with another person! I told you that if you didn’t love me anymore, you just had to tell me and break up with me, not lie and hurt me even more!’ she said slowly ‘For a hundred years, I had to put up with vampires not approaching me because they think I will steal their semen! And it’s always you men, forever centered in yourself. Do you think I want your semen? Why would I? With all the spells I have, I can make my own’

Guillermo took a chance and stepped in ‘Ma’am, I’m so sorry about what my Master did, you know that he can be very dumb sometimes, being a man, our brain is driven by hormones, and not thoughts.’ He said ‘Please excuse his behavior his time, I will make sure, he doesn’t do it again’ he pleaded.

The witch looked at him and melted ‘Oh you lovely thing, you are so adorable!’ she exclaimed ‘Mm…. I have to give in, just for this one!’ Renata said.

‘However, I have a request’ she continued

‘Yes, what would it be?’ the familiar asked

‘I want you to come hang out with my girls and I in a girl’s night in’ she said ‘It’ll be fun, no worries here, as most of my girls, like girls if you catch my drift’ she winked

Nandor was the first to protest ‘Never.’

‘I’ll do it’ agreed Guillermo

‘GUIERMO’ scolded Nandor

‘Trust me Master, I’ll be fine’ the familiar replied.

Nandor was about to protest again when he looked at his beloved familiar’s face and saw decision and fierceness in his eyes. He sighed ‘Okay, I will allow it this time Guiermo’

‘He was not asking for your permission, Nandor’ drawled Renata ‘I swear, some men are really bad at reading body language’ she said to a fellow witch, who had approached the group when she heard her matriarch shouting.

After the argument had passed, the witch went to say goodbye ‘ Oh look at time! I have a film to get to, I will be going’ she said ‘But before I forget’ The witch kissed Guillermo on the cheek, while sneakily placing a paper in his hand ‘Bye darling, see you soon. Don’t let the vampy vamps bite’ she laughed.

Guillermo stood there stunned, and while Nandor waited for the witches to fully leave, he glared at his familiar with the possessiveness only an enraged lover could have. Guillermo then saw his hand and noticed that the paper had Renata’s number written on it.

His master was as angry as ever when he saw this. And the look he threw at his familiar promised more than a slight punishment when they got home.

Guillermo had a long night ahead.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to think that Nadja would be friends with the witches


End file.
